The Undead are nothing more than gossip, rumor, and misinformation, it was claimed today by controversial scholar Professor Argent Smargleblash at Midgaard University.
"I'm well aware of the various 'claims' by these so-called adventurers that the dead walk again across the world," the Professor stated yesterday, following the publication of his paper "Life after (Un)death: A catalogue of horseshit" yesterday. "I've even heard it said that there's at least one city somewhere that's filled with with nothing but animated cadavers. I'm sorry to say there's not a grain of evidence to support this."
"Take the case of vampires," he continued. "It's well known that certain symptoms of poryphric anaemia can lead to delirium and retraction of the gums, giving one's teeth something of a pointed look. I'm afraid these people who claim to be vampires are simply very ill people, not undead."
The professor's claim relies on the principle tenet that for people to rise from the dead, they would have to die in some real, tangible sense in the first place. "It's well established that anyone who dies is back, living and breathing, within fifteen minutes at the very most. We've all seen this happen many, many times, probably had it happen to ourselves at least once. Certainly, the person in question leaves behind a 'corpse' of sorts, but the decomposition in these cases is so rapid that generally there is no trace of a cadaver within minutes. Any 'living dead' would certainly have an extremely short shelf-life."
"Admittedly, you can see some of the reasons these legends persist. Player corpses, for instance, can emit a persistent whining noise for some time following death, but this is a perfectly natural phenomenon caused by the body expressing hot air."
When questioned about the graveyard in Midgaard itself, which is well known for zombie activity, Professor Smargleblash dismissed this as "pageantry set up solely to draw tourists to the city. That, or kids with nothing better to do dressing up to scare elderly women."
The claims in the Professor's paper have not been well received by the department of Necromancy at Midgaard University, whom he refers to as "That gang of lying, mainipulative, charlatan weasel bastards." Orcus, Demon Prince of the Undead in the fifth level of Hell, has refused to comment.
