Welcome, all, to a fabulous new column on the Gaardian. Here, I intend to entertain you all (or at least myself) as we go explore places and see where it takes us.

Today, we're heading to the land of Tanra'vea. Now, I probably shouldn't go any further until I express a little pet peeve of mine. You got it, areas with apostrophes! Sure, it makes them look a little bit more otherworldly with that non alphanumeric character in there, but it also makes it harder to type! Hey, here's an idea, how about you throw in an @ symbol? runto myarea@roundabout.way. Hee hee. Apostrophes in names should be the way I like my steak: rare. Well, sometimes medium rare if I don't have a good steak knife. And it should have a side of mushrooms and be sitting in a small puddle of juice so that it can marinate while I'm eating it, and then I've got something great I can dip my bread in. 

Where was I? Oh, right, we're going to Tanra'vea, home to the Skrean Village, jungles, some rapids, a crypt, caves and even a crater. One area has all of that? It's like it can't and what is up with grape nuts?make up its mind about what it wants to be, kind of like when I go the store to buy cereal and there's all these different kinds and what is up with grape nuts? Cause, man, if they made a nut that tasted like grapes, I would be all over that! I've had an apple that tasted like grapes, but never a nut that did. Best thing to happen to nuts was to coat 'em in chocolate. You give me a bag of peanuts or almonds and that's fine, but you wrap those suckers in chocolate and I'm your friend for life!

Anyway, I guess we should get back to the task at hand. Sometimes I lose my train of thought. It just jumps off the tracks and goes where it wants without rails to guide it, but you know what? Trains don't come equipped with steering wheels. They should think about that the next time they decide to go all independent.

So, back to the area. What? I've run out of space for the column already? But I was just getting started! Well, alright, I guess I'll end it here. This time. Stay tuned, gentle readers, and next time, maybe we'll make it out the front door!