You heard the hype, you expected one of the most spectacular events in the history of warfare. But you missed it. Except you didn't. It didn't happen. No one showed up. All I have to report on is the list of lame excuses the various deities gave, so here goes:
| Deity: |
Lame (mostly) Excuse: |
| Ayla |
Disqualified for being too young |
| Ivar |
Was too busy getting laid (so he claims). |
| No One |
Loners are so emo no deity would claim them. |
| The Spirit of DaVinci |
Handed me a fig leaf and told me to strip and stand still, I just backed away slowly and called it a “no.” |
| Athena |
Said she was wise enough to stay the hell out of this B.S. |
| Lady Radience |
Busy trying to get Light to spell Radiance correctly. |
| Vorel |
Offered to jump in to help anyone who was losing but otherwise wouldn't participate. |
| The Dark One |
Still locked in his prison (I suppose so anyway, I gave up on WoT after book 5). |
| Captain Morgan |
Originally agreed to participate, but no-showed. I assume he passed out drunk. Or was busy fucking goats. |
| The Nameless One |
Doesn't show up in the phone book. |
| Xiuhtecuhtli |
Sulked and told me to piss off after I mispronounced his name. |
| Paladine |
He's been disowned by Imperium and has no power. There seems to be a run-off between bacon and a moose for the slot. Neither of them were keen either. |
| Thor |
Asked if Jörmungandr would be there, and declined when I told him no. |
| Queen Mab |
Flew up my nose and I sneezed her into a fire, don't tell Daoine. |
| Njord |
Had an “Out Fishing” sign on his door. |
| Eochaid Ollathair |
His penis was dragging on the ground. Seriously, check his Wikipedia page (also, I hear he edits his own wiki). |
| Hassan |
Said he was busy teaching Dohbies to die faster. Frankly, I think he gets off on it. |
| Gilmesh |
His teaching schedule was too full. |
| Danichi |
Couldn't find him, stupid invisible ninjas... |
| Dak'kon |
Refused when his request that the entire thing be dedicated as a ritual to him was refused (he's a bit OCD about rituals). |
| Devel |
His only response was “I fucking hate pikies,” even after several attempts to get a real answer out of him. |
| Xarmaroch |
Hasn't been resurrected yet (Cabal should get on that maybe). |
| Apollyon |
Injury list: when he fell from angelhood he twisted an ankle. |
The following Deities declined to participate in battle but volunteered to be staff:
| Deity: |
Position: |
| Stendarr |
Usher, and in general aiding the sick and elderly. |
| Anubis |
Mortician, planned to embalm the losers. He was particularly bummed when the event got cancelled. |
| Calliope |
Half-time musical act. |
| Themis |
Referee. |
| Seshat |
Sportswriter for the MidGaardian. |
| Coffee |
While coffee has no clan affiliation, it is my personal deity. It provides and sustains life itself. Devotees know that coffee is the substance from which all life evolved. Coffee volunteered to be the official drink at the event. |
The following Deities were disqualified on the grounds that they are either concepts or inanimate objects and thus I could not exactly invite them to come join the fun. I mean seriously, how am I supposed to talk to The Three Moons? They're in SPACE.
Deities of weirdo clans who worship non-sentient crap:
Darkness
Taboo
Sorrow
Tranquility
The Revolution
Tao
Avarice
The Three Moons
TouchStone
So, all in all, a rousing failure.
At least the coffee was good.
